Wednesday, March 14, 2012

I Was A Cutter ... Sorta

Header credits go to Ashley @ After Nine To Five
Let me start by saying this, like my post yesterday, is going to be really hard to explain.  I don't know how much I can say on the subject without sounding like I'm seeking sympathy.  I'M NOT!

First I'll explain what I mean but "sorta" in the title of this post.  When I "cut" myself I didn't actually slide the blade across my wrists.  I would place the blade up against my wrist and push until I started to bleed.  I wanted to feel the pain and I thought simply cutting wouldn't give me what I was looking for.  Now that I've successfully freaked you out, onto the post.

I never intended to commit suicide.  I didn't want to die.  So why did I cut myself?  I wanted control.

I felt like my life was spiraling out of control and I scrambled to find a way to get that control back.  I'm sure there were a lot of healthy things I could have done to gain some sort of hold on my life but I didn't know what.  I started cutting around the same time I started purging.  (Read my post on my battle with an eating disorder for more on that)  

Just like the bulimia, I tried to hide it.  I didn't want people to know and I didn't want to hear what they had to say.  In trying to hide it I'm sure that I made it apparent to everyone around me.  I'd wear bright wrist warmers everyday in an attempt to keep the scars hidden.  I even wrote a poem about cutting myself.  It's quite dark and, even though it mentions death, it was only meant to convey emotion.  I was drunk when I wrote this which is apparent in the title.

Taverns in the dark
No one listening, screaming in the dark.
Silver glistening, slowly making a mark.
From left to right, or the other way.
Tears blur my sight, I have nothing to say.
Blood runs deep, but I cut that far.
A permanent sleep, a never ending scar.
These thoughts were gone, but now they're back.
I feel alone, I'll always lack.
First the blade, then the flesh.
My destiny made, nothing left but death.

I'm trying to explain how I felt about cutting myself because I enjoyed it far too much.  It felt amazing.  If you only understood you'd know why, at this very second, I'm getting the chills just thinking about cutting myself.  Yes, it's that powerful.  It's a struggle, to be honest, not to do it at all.  I haven't cut myself in over 9 years but that's because I avoid thinking about it.  If I think about it, I think about how good it felt.  If I think about it, I want to do it.  So now, I'm going to go about not thinking about it.


  1. congrats for not doing it for so long! a lot of people make fun of those who cut themselves, thinking they only do it to get attention (and even if some do it for that reason, it's something that should be taken very seriously). I never cut myself but I know exactly how good it feels if you enjoy pain. now that I have higher self esteem, I don't enjoy pain as much as I did. btw did you see movie Secretary? it's one of my favorites cause I can relate to it but it is also pleasant to watch (not too depressing although the tale is dark).
    thank you for sharing!

    1. I had a lot of friends tell me that I just needed to stop, when they found out, but I couldn't explain that it wasn't that simple. They didn't understand and it made me feel so alone. I've never seen Secretary but I'm going to have to look into now.

      Also, you left a comment on another post and I deleted it. I noticed that you edited it and I didn't realize that if I deleted the original response that it would delete the reply too. I'm so sorry. In response to that, I do have a great husband. He's a fantastic man that's helped me through all these struggles that I had as a young adult.

    2. I don't mind but I'm glad that you read the comment. some bloggers never respond to comments (even if you ask them questions) and I wonder if they even read them.

    3. I make a point to reply to every comment that I can. It bothers me when no one responds, especially when you ask a question.

  2. I used to be a cutter too, and I guess it was a control thing. But it still hard for me to understand/or explain to others why I did it. Or why it could be good in the least. And sometimes to this day when I'm feeling stress I think about doing it. So I wonder if the instinct is always there or if it ever truly goes away?

    1. I don't think the urge every truly goes away. When you deal with something like this you just have to keep it at bay as long as you possibly can. Thanks for sharing.

  3. I never got to the point of actually cutting myself, but often times physical pain was much more tolerable for me than emotional pain. It was something that would take away from the emotions that I felt I was unable to control. I honestly don't have any better words to describe it than you did and it's so nice knowing I wasn't alone.

    I'm so glad to hear that it's been so long since you've done it.

    1. I guess people who are good at dealing with emotional pain wouldn't understand but I'm so glad that there are people who understand. I've never been, and I'm probably still not, good at dealing with emotional pain but I have to learn that it's far better than physically hurting myself.

  4. I guess I never really thought about why people cut themselves or maybe just never really understood. From what I have read, it was a form of emotional release. I never thought about it beyond that. Reading what you have written in your comments to others allows me to understand why people choose to cut. Emotional pain is very intense and I can see it hurting far more than physical pain. I could never bring myself to actually hurt myself minus that one time I thought about offing myself.

    Like I had stated in another comment on a different blog post of yours, I really wish I could just come out and tell my secrets. I am just so scared of what my loved ones would think. Hell, I am scared to just look back into my past. I might just do it though anonymously. I'll for sure let you know though. I've told you one of my deepest darkest secrets before and you never judged me. I could probably tell you almost anything. I don't know why.

    1. A lot of people tell me they feel like they can tell me anything. I just figure that I have issues in my past that I wouldn't want to be judged on, why in the heck would I would judge someone just because of their past.

      It was pretty difficult to write these out, and thinking about them when even hard. This one in particular. Thanks for stopping by and commenting on these posts. It really does mean a lot.