|Header credits go to Ashley @ After Nine To Five|
First I'll explain what I mean but "sorta" in the title of this post. When I "cut" myself I didn't actually slide the blade across my wrists. I would place the blade up against my wrist and push until I started to bleed. I wanted to feel the pain and I thought simply cutting wouldn't give me what I was looking for. Now that I've successfully freaked you out, onto the post.
I never intended to commit suicide. I didn't want to die. So why did I cut myself? I wanted control.
I felt like my life was spiraling out of control and I scrambled to find a way to get that control back. I'm sure there were a lot of healthy things I could have done to gain some sort of hold on my life but I didn't know what. I started cutting around the same time I started purging. (Read my post on my battle with an eating disorder for more on that)
Just like the bulimia, I tried to hide it. I didn't want people to know and I didn't want to hear what they had to say. In trying to hide it I'm sure that I made it apparent to everyone around me. I'd wear bright wrist warmers everyday in an attempt to keep the scars hidden. I even wrote a poem about cutting myself. It's quite dark and, even though it mentions death, it was only meant to convey emotion. I was drunk when I wrote this which is apparent in the title.
Taverns in the dark
No one listening, screaming in the dark.
Silver glistening, slowly making a mark.
From left to right, or the other way.
Tears blur my sight, I have nothing to say.
Blood runs deep, but I cut that far.
A permanent sleep, a never ending scar.
These thoughts were gone, but now they're back.
I feel alone, I'll always lack.
First the blade, then the flesh.
My destiny made, nothing left but death.
I'm trying to explain how I felt about cutting myself because I enjoyed it far too much. It felt amazing. If you only understood you'd know why, at this very second, I'm getting the chills just thinking about cutting myself. Yes, it's that powerful. It's a struggle, to be honest, not to do it at all. I haven't cut myself in over 9 years but that's because I avoid thinking about it. If I think about it, I think about how good it felt. If I think about it, I want to do it. So now, I'm going to go about not thinking about it.