Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Am I Really Loved?



Header credits to Ashley @ After Nine To Five
This is probably going to sound so irrational so forgive me for this being, what will more than likely be, my most disjointed post in history.

What I didn't tell you about my battle with bulimia was that it was spurred when I was younger.  My dad, who isn't my biological father, used to call my mother and I fat, lazy, and useless all the time.  He'd always mention, without an audience, that I'd never find anyone to truly love me because no one would want to put up with me.  Ya, that's how great a man he was.  He didn't say anything to our faces because he was, and still is, a coward.  Whenever he'd say horrible things about my mom and I it would be, what he thought was, behind our backs.  In a way I think he knew that I'd heard him on more than on occasion but it didn't stop him from being hurtful.  This started a long battle with feeling loved.

I've always had great friends.  Most of my family is amazing and I love them very much.  I, however, have always struggled with people loving me.  I know, deep down in my heart, that I'm loved but sometimes insecurities rise and I'm just not sure if anyone truly loves me.  Not even my husband.  How irrational is that?  My husband constantly tells me (shows me, ensures that I know) he loves me, so does my family, but in my mind I always wonder if they're being honest or if they're just telling me these things to make me feel better.

I'm honestly not sure what else to say on this subject because I KNOW it's irrational.  I KNOW people love me. I just have a horrible fear that one day the people I love are going to come to me and say "Yea, we don't really love you.  We just knew how fragile you were and wanted to keep you happy."

4 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for being so honest and sharing your story. That takes a lot of courage to talk about that. You definitely are loved and important! I think part of us all struggles with feeling loved and wanted... but it's just the darkness trying to pull us down and make us feel bad. It's definitely not true! You are wonderful!!

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    1. It's really difficult to talk about these things but it's so wonderful to feel supported. Thanks for your awesome comment!!

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  2. This is something I've always struggled with as well. A troubled childhood followed by a string of bad relationships left me wondering if I was even deserving of someone's love. My husband and I had a very rough patch in the beginning of our relationship where I was very much so convinced he had no reason to love me. We've gotten through it now, but it still comes up from time to time.

    You are definitely not alone in this and are incredibly loved. I hope that someday both of us are able to believe it about ourselves!

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    1. I really hope there comes a day when I can know in my heart that those who say they love me, truly do. It's a difficult emotion, love. My husband doesn't know I have these feelings because I find it really hard to explain to anyone, especially someone that I KNOW loves me, that I'm not sure if he really does sometimes. I hope, one day, I can explain it to him. I guess I won't have to if he reads this.

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