Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I Have The Strangest Dreams

It's been getting a little warmer at night which means we can leave windows open.  I always get excited, and a little scared, at this prospect.  Scared because that means the heat is coming.  Excited because that means I get more fresh air.

The other night, Sunday I think it was, we left our small bathroom window open to let in the fresh air while we slept.  Four hours later I woke in a panic to shut the window.  Why?  Well let me give you a peek into my mind as a dreamer.

I was standing at said bathroom window, naked, staring at a man that was stunningly beautiful.  I had no idea who this man was but I got the sense that he was stalking me.  He looked in the window, obviously seeing me, and smiled.  His teeth were sparkly white.  I'm sure they would have given off that star of brightness, the one that always **pings** in the movies, had the sun been shining in my dream.  (I've been reading the Twilight series for the past month.  This might have played a little part in the whole teeth thing.) First, I was a little terrified that he was standing there, outside my window, staring at me.  Then I was a little embarrassed.  After all, I was buck naked.  He didn't seem to notice.  I turned from the window to go lay back down but instead decided to go upstairs.  

There's a balcony upstairs.  Still in my birthday suit, I walked out onto it and looked over the railing.  There he was, standing in front of the garage door, smiling up at me.  What a strange man this was.  I couldn't take my eyes off him though.  I still had the eerie feeling like he was stalking me.  Then, oddly enough, I started to wonder why he wasn't bringing me roses.  Isn't that what a stalker normally does?  Bring the stalkee gifts? (I realize stalkee isn't a word but bear with me here)

I went back downstairs to get into bed but there he was, staring at me, through the bathroom window.  By this time I was absolutely sure he was my stalker.  What he did next was confirmation.  He started bringing me gifts.  My head cocked to the side and all I could do was stare.  He was bringing me guitars, and office equipment, to show me that he wanted me.  Uh ... what?  

There were HUNDREDS of guitars lined up against my fence.  Then the office chairs started rolling in.  All I could do was watch him pile the strange gifts up against my fence.  I didn't know what to think anymore.  Then, in one fluid motion, he was at the window.  His face pressed up against the screen.  A giant, terrifying, smile plastered on his face.  It was in that instant that I ... woke up.

I had to wipe sweat off my forehead even though I was freezing cold.  The wind was whipping through the window and the temperature in the room had dropped 15 to 20 degrees since I'd fallen asleep.  I looked at the window, not wanting to go near it, fearing that there was really someone out there.  Just as that thought entered my mind, my husband woke up.  He popped up out of bed and headed for the bathroom.  I was glad to have him by my side as I stared out the window.  No guitars, no office chairs, just a fence and an open side yard.  I couldn't close the window fast enough.

I'm going to have to file this as one of the weirdest dreams I've ever had.  Right before my falling-down-the-drain dream and directly after my I'm-in-elementary-and-my-school-is-being-"hijacked"-and-if-I-don't-hide-they're-going-to-kill-me dream.

Yep, that's how I dream!!

What's the strangest dream you've ever had?

Saturday, March 24, 2012

What A Rough Week

There are so many things I haven't posted on my blog this week.  I've been meaning to update my 30 days of lists post, but I haven't.  I have them all ready, they're actually done, but I haven't had the energy to put them up.  I was supposed to be participating in Blog Positivity Week with Ashley @ After Nine To Five but I got one (or two) posts in and I stopped.  I've been having one rough week.

Monday night, or should I say Tuesday morning, I didn't get to sleep until somewhere around 3am.  I don't know why.  I was tired.  I got into bed at 10:30pm like I normally do.  I read for just over an hour and then squished my ear buds into my ears.  I turned on the relaxing music and WHAMMO I was awake.  I sleep with my iPod on every night.  It's never been a problem before.  I thought maybe now it was the issue.  I pulled the headphones out after 30 minutes of no sleep and tried again.  An hour later and I was still awake.  OK so that wasn't the problem.  I got up and snuck into my husband's office to waste time on the computer.  That always makes me tired.  Forty minutes later I still wasn't tired.  I did something drastic.  I walked outside, in only a robe, and sat on the front patio.  I just sat there for thirty minutes or so.  My eyes roaming around the sky trying to find some sort of peace in the stars, or some lame crap like that.  NOTHING.  By now it was just after 2am and I didn't know what else to do.  I went back to bed and tried again.  Somewhere between 2:30 and 3am I my body finally gave in and I fell asleep.

As you may have guessed, Tuesday was a rough day.

Tuesday night rolls around.  Same routine.  This time I was able to get to sleep before 2am though.  

Wednesday sucked.  

I finally thought that maybe it was our mattress.  It's only a couple months old but maybe we needed to flip it.  So we did.

I finally slept a little better Thursday night but I woke up with horrible back pain.  Flipping the mattress might not have been the best idea.

Friday was a busy (so busy might not have been the best word but I was so tired that doing the minimal amount that I did made it feel busy) day.  TJ and I had to go pick up The Boy's cap and gown from the school and then we were going out on our neighbors boat.  I was looking forward to relaxing.  It was relaxing, it really was.  It was so relaxing that I actually felt the need to lay down at around 10pm.  I felt like I could use the extra sleep what with me missing so much of it earlier in the week.  I went to bed, read for 30 minutes, rolled onto my side, shoved my ear buds into my ears, and .....  here I am, 12:02am on Saturday morning, still awake.  I feel slightly drowsy but no where near as tired as I felt just mere hours ago.  


I haven't had this much trouble sleeping since I was in college, working 2 full time jobs, maintaining a social life, and trying to keep everyone in my life unaware of the fact that I was bulimic and cutting myself.  I'm not going back to taking Ambien.  I took that route once and the next day wasn't worth the peaceful sleep I got. We ran out of Melatonin a couple months ago but I haven't needed it until now.  I might have to pick some up.

This post is quite sporadic.  I'm sorry.  Also, if you read this Ashley, I want to apologize for not finishing blog positivity week.  To my fellow 30-Listers, I'm sorry I haven't posted a list here in a while.  To everyone else, I'M TIRED.  Will someone please come club me over the head so I can finally get some sleep!?!  Please??

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Blog Positivity Week (Catching Up)

I'm a huge fan of Ashley of After Nine To Five.  She comes up with some of the most amazing weekly blog ideas.  That whole secret week thing I participated in?  Yea, that was her idea.  It might seem a little daunting to some of you, and it was for me at first, but it was fantastic.  This week she's come up with another great idea.  Blog positivity week.

In her words, blog positivity week is "One week dedicated to reminding us all that the blogging community is an awesome thing to be able to be a part of."  What a fantastic idea.

Blog positivity week started yesterday and I didn't notice the link up until last night.  So, as of now, I've missed 2 posts.  This is my make up post for yesterday and today.

Credit to Ashley of After Nine To Five

Why are you here?

That's an interesting question.  OK, so this is in relation to why you blog and not the meaning of life but still, it's an interesting question.

I started blogging in 2004 when my Grandpa had a stroke.  My husband, as supportive and loving as he was (and is), just couldn't seem to help enough.  I had to get my thoughts out.  The only way I used to be able to do that was to write poetry.  I wrote a little poem for my grandpa (it wasn't anything spectacular) and wanted to find a place to host it online so that I would always have record of it.  I'm really bad at keeping track of things, especially paper.  I stumbled upon liveJournal, even though I was searching for a poetry site, and it really intrigued me.  I can't tell you the name of my first blog because I honestly don't remember but this is what that blog has evolved into today.  A place for me to share thoughts, link up with other fantastic bloggers, and to talk about the things I love.

Why do I have two blogs?

Easy, well, kinda.  Ever since I stumbled onto the blogosphere, and the million different blogs there are out there, I've realized that you don't just have to blog about your personal life.  Holy cow, that's cool.  Sharing my opinions about my life, and my husband's life, have always been fun.  I, however, thought I could contribute in a bigger way.  This is where This Girl Does It All came in.  

Last year (2011) I took a couple months off from blogging.  It had been a stressful year and I needed a break from worrying about posting.  I also got to the point that I wasn't sure I wanted to blog anymore.  After taking some time I realized that, and this is going to sound stupid, that I couldn't live without blogging.  Yea, I know, I'm a sap.  I enjoy putting words down in any format and wanted to keep it up.  I also, however, wanted to share my thoughts in a different way. 

I'm quite addicted to reading but thought that since I read far slower than most it would take me a while to put a review up.  I brushed off the insecurities and figured I'd go for it anyway.  Then I wondered what it would be like to be a beauty blogger.  Well, I don't apply makeup on camera so who would want to read my thoughts on a product.  Again, I brushed it off and thought I'd go for it anyway.  Then I got to thinking about what else I could share my thoughts on.  I'm a crafter (scrapbooking, card making, crochet) who loves to share what I've done.  

To make a long story short, even though it's already long, I wanted to share with everyone my thoughts on a lot of things.  It took me a while to come up with the title of my blog but I feel it's quite fitting.  So, if you'd like to check out my other blog you can click the photo below or the link a couple paragraphs back.  I'm not asking you to follow me but if you'd like to, check it out.

The people I've met
You'd never know it, since I did drama in high school, but if you were to meet me in real life, and I wasn't you're old high school friend, I'd be the one with my arms folded over my chest, avoiding eye contact, with nothing much to say but a quick response to what you might be saying.  This has nothing to do with you I just have a hard time opening up to new people.  That's me in real life.  I'm not saying I won't talk to you but I'm, more than likely, not going to have much to say.  Through some miracle of the blog world, and the vlog world, I open up.  I'm more apt to say the things that I'm afraid to say in person.  I talk about things that I'd never dare to speak of to you face to face.  I'm craaaaaazy!

So to every person that's ever commented on any of my posts, thank you for helping me open up.  To any of you lurking without a single comment, thank you for taking the time to see what I have to say.  Too all of you amazing bloggers that I follow, writing the blogs that I can't wait to read every day, thank for giving me that boost I've always need to keep talking about things that I fail to talk about in my personal life, with real people.

I can't explain much, past that, how amazed I am with the friends I've made in my computer.  (Until I meet every single one of you, you all live in my computer.) Thank you to each and every one of you for inspiring me to keep doing what I'm doing.

So, that's day one and two of blog positivity week.  If you'd like to participate please click on the first photo in this post and talk with Ashley.  She's one of those fantastic people that I've been rambling on and on about.  No really, she is.  OK, this post is really long but ....


Friday, March 16, 2012

I'm A Pessimist

Header credit goes to Ashley @ After Nine To Five 
This may not seem as big as the other secrets I've shared but it's still something not a lot of people know about me.  I don't get my hopes up when it comes to, well, anything.

 - I don't expect anything from people because I've bet let down far too many times in my life.
 - My glass is always half empty.
 - If I'm going into something blind I ALWAYS see the worst outcome so that if something better happens I'm not let down.
 - When someone disappoints me it's not like I didn't already see it coming.
 - I'm always apologizing to people because I feel like I've let them down.  I don't know how many times people have said that they don't know what I'm apologizing for.
 - There are times when I don't expect much out of myself either.  It's a horrible trait to have but I have it.

There isn't much to go into when it comes to being a pessimist.  I've always hoped that maybe one day I'd be able to see my glass as half full but then someone might tip it over and then it would be completely empty.

(I think I'm going to end my Secret Week here.  I do have other secrets but, even though it may not seem so, they're darker than the secrets I've already shared.  I'm not yet willing to open up about everything but it's felt incredibly good to open up about these things.)

Thursday, March 15, 2012

I Don't Love You

Header credit goes to Ashley @ After Nine To Five

This is a hard thing to say but ... I ... don't love my mother.  OK, I love my mother but only because she gave birth to me.  I wrote a letter to her, a letter that I never sent to her, that I'd like to share.  It's a long letter, full of errors, but I feel it describes my exact feelings.  So if you'd like to read it please feel free.  If not, well, that's the short story.  Onto the drawn out version.

Dear Mom,

Let me start by saying that I love you with all my heart but, sometimes, I think it’s only because I’m required to love you because you are the woman that gave me life. I don’t know how to explain the near hatred I have for you and your life but I’ll try and hand it to you lightly.

I’ll start with the GIANT pink Elephant in the room. He cheated on you, 4 times. Yea, I’m talking about Tom. (I refuse to call him dad anymore; I’m reduced to referring to him as my step-dad, not only because he’s not my biological father but because of what he’s done) Why are you still with him? Why have you remarried him 4 times? I don’t think you can call anything love after he’s slept with more woman than Clinton. He’s rubbed his infidelity in your face and you’ve accepted it. In turn, you’ve changed my little brothers, at least 3 out of the 4, from men who could have possibly cared about women to men who cheat, lie, and have children with women that they never plan to have a long term relationship with because they’ve come to believe that every woman is like you. They think every woman will just turn a blind eye and never speak of it again. Every time something tragic happens it becomes all about him and he finds a woman that will comfort him because, for some reason, I don’t think he thinks you can do that. I’m surprised, after Grams passed away, he didn’t find someone else. To be honest, I’m just waiting for it. When it does happen again, like I know it will, I’m going to tell you exactly what I told you on the phone when I declined the invitation to your 4th wedding to this man, “I told you so!”

How about your insecurities with telling me who my real father is? Don’t you think he, and I, have a right to know about each other since you didn’t tell him before I was born? I know, a few years ago, you were planning a trip to Iowa to tell him about me but you chickened out. Then, you looked me in the eyes, when I asked about him, and told me you weren’t really sure what his name was. You’re a liar. I want to know if I got my strength of character from him, because I sure didn’t get it from you. What if I have more siblings, even though they’d technically be half siblings, just like the boys? Why are you afraid that I’m going to hurt Tom’s feelings? Don’t you think he got the hint when I changed my last name back to your maiden name and refused to be referred to as a Halladay anymore? Don’t you think me refusing to come to your last wedding ceremony gave him a clue that I don’t really care for him anymore?

Don’t tell me you don’t get it either. You have to realize how weak you are and how lazy you are. Yea, I said it. It took years for me to get over what Tom always said about you, and all of us kids, behind our backs, or so he thought. I finally realized that he’s right. You work 3 days a week, and at times, have 9 days off and yet you still have the dirtiest house I’ve ever seen. You spend your weekends planting flowers that you don’t even take care of instead of vacuuming the floor like you should. I’m not saying you have to be Hannah Homemaker but damn it, clean up once in a while. Right this second, there are ants crawling all over your kitchen counters because none of your children will clean up after themselves. They still expect you to do it, and you don’t. They’re all over the age of 17, TEACH THEM SOMETHING ABOUT CLEANLINESS DAMN YOU!!! Please, do me one more favor, before you put the dishes in the “dishwasher” (should be called dish sanitizer) run a soap soaked sponge over them. You know that night you made sloppy joes? Yea, they were still in the pan the next morning. It’s just sickening that you can’t even clean a dish. Oh, and leaving your meat on the counter overnight to thaw is NOT healthy. When you go to cook chicken and it’s nearly brown, doesn’t that send a signal to your brain that you probably shouldn’t make your children put that in their mouths? Tell me something, why haven’t you thrown that salt away that expired in 1998? Yea, shit expires. Just because you ignore the expiration date doesn’t mean that it magically goes away. Freezing things until past expiration doesn’t mean that they are still good, it only means that you’re too cheap (and spend your money on frivolous, idiotic ventures) to pick up fresh food.

Oh, and stop complaining about not having money to pay your bills. Giving your children an allowance for doing nothing is doing them no good. They’re not learning to earn for themselves. Plus, if you didn’t go to every Rodeo and stupid little town festival within a 70 mile radius, you might realize that paying bills comes quite easily. If you hadn’t just purchased 100 flower bulbs to put in the yard, you might have had enough money to pay the electric bill last month and you wouldn’t have 2 months stacked into one bill. I wish they would shut your power off, and then you might realize that you can’t manage money to save your life. Just because there was a quilt show doesn’t mean you have to attend. You didn’t buy anything AND you took the long way home, wasting more gas than necessary. Seriously, I mean, seriously. Why haven’t you gotten it?

If I have to hear you pander to Ali one more time, I’m going to scream. Yes, she stubbed her toe, but that doesn’t mean you have to pick her up and give her whatever she wants. Three year olds are NOT supposed to be drinking Mountain Dew. Calling in “Magic Medicine” and telling her it’s going to fix her owies is only going to make her an alcoholic. Do you know why she whines so much? I’d whine too if every time I did, I got exactly what I wanted. I wish you would take the hints, but you just brush it off and tell me “That’s what a Grandma is supposed to do, give her everything she wants.” No, when the son that is supposed to be taking care of her is in the next room playing video games, a Grandma is supposed to get her son off his lazy ass and tell him to take care of his daughter.

Stop being an enabler. I understand that what happened to Preston was traumatic but keeping him on 3 different narcotics, 3 times daily, plus the 6 to 7 other pills he takes alongside those, is only going to kill him faster. You wonder why he walks out of his room looking like he’s just been to the bar and racked up a bigger tab than Lindsay Lohan. Well, let’s see, every 3 days he puts on a pain patch, then takes 2 more pain pills plus 3 to 4 other pills on top of that. I think his liver/kidneys/entire body is screaming for help. Stephen does NOT have ADD, he’s got a lack of discipline. He won’t focus because you don’t make him. He’s in the 11th grade and doesn’t know how to write one quarter into a fraction. He can’t even spell the word Spanish. Sit him down, tell him to do his damn work, and don’t let him hang out with Bundy until it’s done. Neither of these children can be away from you for more than 8 hours without crying. Not figuratively crying, literally bawling their eyes out because they don’t have mommy. Is that what you want? Did you intend to have children so dependent on you that they can’t even function properly? Well, you’ve succeeded.

Where did it all go wrong? What happened between me and Andrew? I never got what I wanted. You never gave me an allowance like you give Stephen. I’m absolutely against drugs unless I’m in so much pain that I can’t see straight, for example, the last time I had a Kidney stone and you used to be too but it appears that’s all changed. Kids are supposed to grow up and move out and become less dependent on their parents but somehow, I think that would crush you and make you think of yourself as less of a person. None of this will ever get to you because you don’t want to hear it and no amount of talking to you is going to make you understand, I know, I’ve tried. So, I’m going to write this letter to you, a letter that you’re never going to see. However, it’s been quite liberating to get this out in the open.

I’m going to end this letter by telling you that I’m glad I didn’t turn out like you. You’re not my hero and I don’t look up to you. I don’t want to be anything like you and thank the Lord in Heaven that TJ came along or I might be stuck becoming you. He showed me the real world and what real people need to do to maintain a healthy mental state. I’m a better person because of him and I don’t know what I would do without him.

With my sincerest regret and hopes for your other children’s future,

Your Daughter

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

I Was A Cutter ... Sorta

Header credits go to Ashley @ After Nine To Five
Let me start by saying this, like my post yesterday, is going to be really hard to explain.  I don't know how much I can say on the subject without sounding like I'm seeking sympathy.  I'M NOT!

First I'll explain what I mean but "sorta" in the title of this post.  When I "cut" myself I didn't actually slide the blade across my wrists.  I would place the blade up against my wrist and push until I started to bleed.  I wanted to feel the pain and I thought simply cutting wouldn't give me what I was looking for.  Now that I've successfully freaked you out, onto the post.

I never intended to commit suicide.  I didn't want to die.  So why did I cut myself?  I wanted control.

I felt like my life was spiraling out of control and I scrambled to find a way to get that control back.  I'm sure there were a lot of healthy things I could have done to gain some sort of hold on my life but I didn't know what.  I started cutting around the same time I started purging.  (Read my post on my battle with an eating disorder for more on that)  

Just like the bulimia, I tried to hide it.  I didn't want people to know and I didn't want to hear what they had to say.  In trying to hide it I'm sure that I made it apparent to everyone around me.  I'd wear bright wrist warmers everyday in an attempt to keep the scars hidden.  I even wrote a poem about cutting myself.  It's quite dark and, even though it mentions death, it was only meant to convey emotion.  I was drunk when I wrote this which is apparent in the title.

Taverns in the dark
No one listening, screaming in the dark.
Silver glistening, slowly making a mark.
From left to right, or the other way.
Tears blur my sight, I have nothing to say.
Blood runs deep, but I cut that far.
A permanent sleep, a never ending scar.
These thoughts were gone, but now they're back.
I feel alone, I'll always lack.
First the blade, then the flesh.
My destiny made, nothing left but death.

I'm trying to explain how I felt about cutting myself because I enjoyed it far too much.  It felt amazing.  If you only understood you'd know why, at this very second, I'm getting the chills just thinking about cutting myself.  Yes, it's that powerful.  It's a struggle, to be honest, not to do it at all.  I haven't cut myself in over 9 years but that's because I avoid thinking about it.  If I think about it, I think about how good it felt.  If I think about it, I want to do it.  So now, I'm going to go about not thinking about it.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Google Friend Connect

I've seen a lot of people upset over the fact that GFC has gone away.  Did you know that GFC was only discontinued for NON-Blogger blogs?  Well the name Google Friend Connect was replaced with Followers

If you're not sure what GFC is, it's that thing over in the sidebar that looks like this.

What does this mean?  Well if you have .blogspot.com at the end of your blog URL, you can still use GFC.  The best, most informative, post I've found on this topic is HERE.  

Am I Really Loved?

Header credits to Ashley @ After Nine To Five
This is probably going to sound so irrational so forgive me for this being, what will more than likely be, my most disjointed post in history.

What I didn't tell you about my battle with bulimia was that it was spurred when I was younger.  My dad, who isn't my biological father, used to call my mother and I fat, lazy, and useless all the time.  He'd always mention, without an audience, that I'd never find anyone to truly love me because no one would want to put up with me.  Ya, that's how great a man he was.  He didn't say anything to our faces because he was, and still is, a coward.  Whenever he'd say horrible things about my mom and I it would be, what he thought was, behind our backs.  In a way I think he knew that I'd heard him on more than on occasion but it didn't stop him from being hurtful.  This started a long battle with feeling loved.

I've always had great friends.  Most of my family is amazing and I love them very much.  I, however, have always struggled with people loving me.  I know, deep down in my heart, that I'm loved but sometimes insecurities rise and I'm just not sure if anyone truly loves me.  Not even my husband.  How irrational is that?  My husband constantly tells me (shows me, ensures that I know) he loves me, so does my family, but in my mind I always wonder if they're being honest or if they're just telling me these things to make me feel better.

I'm honestly not sure what else to say on this subject because I KNOW it's irrational.  I KNOW people love me. I just have a horrible fear that one day the people I love are going to come to me and say "Yea, we don't really love you.  We just knew how fragile you were and wanted to keep you happy."

Monday, March 12, 2012

My Battle With Bulimia

Header credits go to Ashley @ After Nine To Five
(I will warn you right now, this post is quite long.  If you're not up for 10+ minutes of reading I suggest you skip this post.)

When I was in my late teens, early 20s, I thought that the opinions other people had about me were important.  I wasn't secure in who I was or my appearance.  At that time I was 5'9" and weighed 260 lbs.  I didn't consider myself attractive because I'd been told by a lot of people that I wasn't.  I was so naive, and so impressionable, that I decided the easiest way to make myself look "beautiful" was to loose weight.

It started harmlessly.  I worked on watching what I ate, getting out of the house more to at least walk a little each day, and taking vitamins to keep myself healthy.  I suppose it was working but not fast enough for me.  I researched quick weight loss online and came across some miracle diet pills.  They were supposed to help you lose 10 lbs a week, or maybe it was more, as long as you took them 3 times a day.  They were expensive but I was looking for a quick way out of my "fat" situation.  I fell for it and bought a couple bottles.  After a month or so I knew nothing was working.  I hadn't lost a single pound and my pants didn't fit any looser.  Desperate times called for desperate measures.  I didn't take into account how desperate I was and the lengths that I'd go to to become skinny.

I can't tell you exactly how it started, and most people say that you can't make a decision like that over night, but I did.  It didn't take long for me to realize that this was working.  I think a week into purging all of my food I'd already lost somewhere around 15+ lbs.  I know now it's not healthy but back then I didn't care.  People started to notice that I was losing weight about a month in.  Remember those miracle diet pills?  They got all the credit.  I also noticed that people, especially those of my close friends at work, were paying attention.  I devised a plan.  I'd eat a lot of food, purge, and then eat a little more without purging.  This way they'd think I was just going to the bathroom in the middle of my lunch hour.  It didn't work.  My co-workers still noticed.  Somehow, though, I thought my family clueless.  How did I ever think they didn't know when I'd gone from this ...

(2000) My Senior Picture.  I still looked like this until 2002.
to this ...

Mid 2002
in just over 6 months.  (I really wish I had a better photo but I don't.)  With the poor quality of the second photo I'm not sure if you can tell how much skinnier I was.  My double chin was gone.  I could actually see my clavicle (collar bone) because it wasn't hidden behind fat.  I didn't have giant puffy cheeks anymore.  It was working, and working perfectly.  Then, the pain started.

It was chatting online with some "friends" when suddenly I felt like every organ in my entire body was being squeezed in a vice.  No, that doesn't even explain the pain, it was so much worse than that.  I doubled over onto the floor and started to cry.  All I could think was thank goodness no one was home to hear me.  I wasn't worried about the pain, I was worried about what my family would say to me if they found me in this position.  This would be when they found out and I wasn't ready for that.  I was curled up, on the floor, for over 2 hours before the pain stopped.  It stopped as abruptly as it had come on.  To prove how willing I was to hide my secret, I never said anything to anyone about it.  I didn't even talk to a doctor.  I knew what they were going to tell me.

These pains happened weekly for the next 3 months or so.  I was still loosing weight.  I think, after 9 months, I'd lost somewhere around 140lbs.  At my lowest, which thankfully wasn't long after this 9 month period, I weighed 120lbs.  I'd gone from a size 24 waist to a size 10.  I was so satisfied with my progress but I wasn't ready to stop.  I figured I could lose more weight and be as skinny as I wanted.  That's when I realized that I'd plateaued.  No matter how much I ate, or how much I purged, I wasn't loosing any more weight.  I guess, in retrospect, this was a good thing.  This did not, however, stop me from trying.

Everything finally came to a head in late 2002.  I was working 2 jobs and going to night school.  I think I was in a music appreciation class when I realized that I was having one of my attacks.  I quietly excused myself from class and called my mom, sobbing.  I was in so much pain that I couldn't even drive myself home from class.  She came to pick me up and told me we were going to the hospital.  I demanded that she take me home.  If she took me to the hospital I was walking away.  I didn't want to hear it.  I wasn't ready to be verbally chastised.  She, being the woman that she is, took me home.  I sat on the edge of the tub, in my bathroom, for 45 minutes before she demanded we go to the hospital.  I told her it wasn't happening, and it didn't.  We never went to the hospital.  I suffered through it like I had been doing for the past 3 or 4 months.  It was then that I realized that I was killing myself and for what.  To be someone I wasn't?  It wasn't worth it.  No matter what it took, I had to stop.

By the end of 2002, and I don't want to make it sound like I don't struggle anymore, I was more in control.  I'd started eating more regularly, albeit less than before this started, and I didn't constantly feel the need to purge.  I was making serious, positive, progress.  I did notice that I was gaining back some weight but I was determined not to let it get to me.  It wasn't until early 2003, when I met my husband, that I realized that my opinion was the only one that mattered.  It took finding someone to love me, no matter my size, for me to realize how stupid I'd been.

It took until mid 2006 for me to accept who I am, fat or skinny, and love myself.  I still have those days, although few and far between, that I feel like I've eaten too much and I want to purge.  I won't lie and say that I don't but I'll be honest and say that 99 times out of 100 I resist the urge.  I also won't lie and say that I feel guilty for doing it.  If you've never battled with an eating disorder you won't understand the rush you get.  You'd never get why I feel so good after purging, even now, and I don't think I can explain it to you.  

Today I have a double chin and puffy cheeks.  I have thin brittle hair, flimsy nails, and horrible teeth because of what I did to myself.  I also suffered with Acid Reflux Disease, although at this point in my life it's under control.  Today, I love myself and am so thankful I didn't give up.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

My Other Blog

This is the "About My Blog" page on my other blog.  I thought I'd shamelessly plug this here in an attempt to lure some of my amazing new readers (I HAVE 18!!!!) over to my other blog.  Wait, can you call this a shameless plug if it's my own blog?  I'm not sure, so maybe it isn't shameless.  Well, anyway, onto why I'm making this post!!

As many of you may, or may not,  know, I've been blogging for quite a while.  I've had numerous blog identity crisis and I have finally figured out why.

I was trying to limit myself, stifle my creativity, conform to what I thought a blogger should be.


(Found HERE)

I've always known that I wanted to blog about something I loved, something I'm good at, something I enjoy, but when it came down to figureing that out, I couldn't.  Why?  Because, and I'm not bragging, I'm pretty dang good at a lot of things.  I enjoy doing a lot of things.  I love doing too many things to limit myself, or my blog.  In discovering what I wanted to do, however, I stumbled into somewhat of a conundrum.

When you stumble across a "book blog" that's all they do.  They read, review, and recommend books.  Coming upon a blogger that reviews beauty products, you find the same the same thing.  Everyone who owns a blog has settled into their specific niche.  I, in no way, am saying it's a bad thing.  Some of my absolute favorite blogs, and bloggers, are book bloggers or beauty bloggers but I couldn't, and wouldn't, pin myself to one thing.  How well this idea will be received is yet to be determined.

So, I present to you This Girl Does It All.  A blog in which I'll be able to stretch my wings and do exactly what I want, whenever I want.  See, I love to read so I'll be reviewing books.  I also love the beauty community, so I'll be doing beauty reviews.  I'm making a baby blanket and I always enjoy making handmade scrapbook embellishments so I'll be talking about that.  What else?  There's no end to what I want to do with this blog.

I'll still keep this blog around because I don't want to mix "about my life posts" with review posts.  I'm also involved in a lot of blogging challenges like the 30 Days Of Lists (30 Lists website) and Blogging A - Z in April so this is where I'll host things like that.  

So, that's the deal.  It took me months to figure out what I wanted to do and even longer to put together that blog.  I know it's going to be something that keeps me involved and loving what I do. 

Join me?

Also if you're looking to swap ads, through my other blog, check out my Ad Swap page.