Tuesday, September 25, 2012

This Little Blog Of Mine

I'm not sure what to say at this point. My blog, although very personal to me, is just not something I'm interested in anymore. I'm contemplating deleting it but then I'd lose everything. I've done that once before and it really moved me to blog more. I'm just not sure that it's going to be the case again.

So, for now, I'm going to let this blog sit empty and say see you later. I'm not sure when later is or if later will exist. I'm hoping it will exist but I can't be sure. Thank you to all of you for sticking around and I hope to see you soon.

Much love!

Friday, August 31, 2012

Random Facts About Me

It's not that I'm not interested in this blog anymore and it's not that I don't appreciate everyone that reads, comments, and shows love on my blog. It's just that I've been horribly unmotivated lately. Read my post about putting a house together and I'm sure you'll figure out why.

In an attempt to keep my love for blogging alive I thought I would do a random facts post. I think I've done one of these in the past but I'm not sure. (I just went back and looked through my posts and apparently I haven't done one of these so here goes)

1. I am a pessimist. My glass is always half empty. I always got my hopes up and they seemed to always be let down. I came to the realization that if I always looked at the worst in a situation there is no way my hopes/dreams could be dashed. It's a bummer at times but there are instances where I'm happy about my pessimism.

2. Next to my husband, I'm probably the most indecisive person you'll ever meet. Don't ask me where we should go to dinner because I'll only reply with "I don't know, where do you want to go?". If we're out shopping together don't ask me if something looks good on you. I won't know. I do have opinions I'm just hesitant to voice them because I have a limited filter and sometimes my opinions get me in trouble.

3. I'm a Republican. I believe in limited Government. I also believe that two men, or two women, should be able to marry one another and it should be a recognized marriage. I'm also (circumstantially) pro-choice.

4. I can't cook. No, really, I can't. I've attempted to and failed. I continue to try but every time I burn the mac & cheese I get a little discouraged.

5. I'm 5'9", 280 lbs, and I couldn't care less what anyone thinks about me. I have a wonderful husband, who loves me, and a great life full of joy. Could I lose weight? Of course I could. Do I realize the health risks I'm imposing on myself? Of course I do. Are you going to hurt my feelings by calling me fat? Not in the slightest. If you can't find anything other than my physical appearance to attack you're the one lacking, not me.

6. Right now, as I type this, I have a cut on my left pinking making it extremely painful to type the letter A. Ouch!

So there you have it. Six random facts about me. Tell me something random about yourself in the comments below.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Putting A House Together

You would think, seeing as how I've done this at least 10 times in the past 9 years, I'd be better at getting a house together. This time, however, it's proving to be harder than usual.

By now I'd have my pictures up, my office together, and decor picked out for every room in the house. This time, however, I'm feeling so much pressure to get it right the first time as I don't want to have to change it again. I realize that my tastes will probably change and things in the house will get moved (like pictures and statues) but I want it right the first time so that I don't feel like I did it wrong in a month and have to move everything.

My office is still in shambles because I can't decide if I want to keep it as it was or construct built ins for everything. I also can't decide if I want my office in the room it's currently in or if I want to move it to the bigger room down the hall. I can build everything I need for my office, with the help of my handy husband, but I'm not sure how it would work. I think I'd have to change the flooring to either wood or tile so that things would sit flush and I'm not sure I want to do that right now.

My husbands office consists of one long table, a broken down antique buffet that his mother left him, a TV stand without a TV on it, and a filing cabinet. The table used to be a part of a Costco desk that broke during the move, that's holding 2 computers, the printer, and is currently bending in the center from all the weight. He also can't decide if he's going to keep the room he's in or if he wants to move his office into the bigger room in the hall that I'm thinking about moving my office into.

I have piles of pictures sitting on my kitchen table because I've lugged them all around the house, holding them up against the wall, to try and figure out where I want them to go. From the first part of that last sentence I'm sure you can figure out that I haven't been able to find a home for most of them. There's too much wall space, yes I said too much, (not in terms of "my house is too big and I hate it" but more in the context of "I can't fill these walls with anything because I don't have enough hanging decor") in this house and I need to get quite a few of my pictures reframed before I can hang them.

I feel so much pressure, now that we've purchased a house, to get everything right and get it done quickly. Instead I'm sitting here blogging about it. Oh the irony.

(I wish I had some pictures to illustrate my point but my husband has our camera down in San Diego for his brother's Boot Camp graduation and I can't lug around my 21" iMac to take pictures with the web cam.)

Friday, August 10, 2012

Acknowledge Me Dang You

I love going into a store and everyone around you acts like you're not even there. Wait, no I don't. It's one of my biggest pet peeves.

My husband and I are in the market for new computers so we stopped into Best Buy. We're really looking to purchase a, or possible a couple, MAC all-in-ones as we've had horrible luck with PCs. We've gotten a lot of feedback from family, friends, and even random strangers that I've conversation bombed at the store. We noticed that the person that was in the MAC section was busy with someone else so we played around with the computers for a couple minutes. Five minutes later these people were still asking numerous, irrelevant, questions regarding computers. OK, they probably weren't irrelevant but they were still taking up the sales persons time. I walked up to a manager and asked if there was anyone else that could help us with the computers and he said "I'm sure there is if they weren't already busy." His comment rubbed me the wrong way but I relented and waited for the sales person to be done with the customers he was attending to.

Twenty minutes later he was checking them out and all I could think was finally. Sure enough he checked them out at the register nearest to the computers, walked up to the service desk to get them a bag, and then REMAINED AT THE SERVICE DESK TALKING TO ANOTHER ASSOCIATE. Seriously? Seriously?

For ten minutes, prior to him walking up to the service desk, I hoovered over him so that he'd at least know that I was there. He didn't even look my way. I guess that should have been a hint that he just didn't care.

As I left the store I announced, quite loudly I might add, that I'd come back when someone felt like acknowledging that fact that I was actually there and that I needed help. Funny thing, the general manager was standing right there and just looked at me like I was crazy. He saw me standing by the computers, 10 minutes earlier, and didn't even offer to help. I'd even approached him while he was talking to another customer. Nothing. I got nothing out of him. He didn't look in my direction, he didn't give my eye contact, and he walked away from me after he was done talking to his customer.

I'm not asking that the sales person step away from the customer he was helping. I'm not asking that someone else do the same. All I'm asking is that you at least look me in the eyes, acknowledge my presence, and tell me you'll be right with me even if you're going to have someone else help me. Is that too much to ask? If I'm asking too much of you then you probably shouldn't be in working in any establishment that requires you work with people.

I am now resorting to travelling 2 hours away from my home, down to Las Vegas, to get help in purchasing my MAC computer because I refuse to return to that Best Buy store for that product. Is that what you want sales person? I don't think so. Guess what, though, you brought this on yourself.

I'm ranting, this is a long picture-less post, and I just don't care. If you're in the customer service industry and you have someone waiting for you, and you're currently with a customer, at least acknowledge that your next customer is waiting. It will make them happy, and you probably won't lose their business to another store, even if they have to wait another 20 minutes.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Here's My House

This was quite rushed and my house is in no way ready for is debut BUT here it is anyway.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

No Catchy Titles Here

It always amazes me how much a move takes out of you. I've slept over 8 hours a night for the past week or so but I still can't seem to get energy in me. Generally, for me, after a move it takes a couple weeks, and a little more settling in, for me to regain some normalcy back into my life. 

At this point, however, the garage is still cluttered, we still have a lot of stuff in a storage unit across the county (because we were planning on living nearer to it than we ended up) and I haven't even begun to think about hanging pictures. There are speaker wires dangling in front of our entertainment center, we need to drill holes in some shelves to maximize the usability of them, and the only food I've eaten on a regular basis for the past 2 to 3 weeks is fast food. It's getting awful, if I'm being honest.

But, on a lighter note, I love being home. I feel like I'm home. I don't feel like I'm waiting on anyone anymore, if that makes sense. Renting homes for the past 9 years has really made me appreciate being here, now, in my own home.

I've got a video tour of my house on my camcorder but I can't get my computer to connect to the internet and I don't have the editing software on my husbands computer so I have to figure that out before I can post the video anywhere. I haven't yet taken photos because I feel like my house is too messy (but I guess I didn't think it was too messy for the video tour) to take pictures. 

I have to end this post here because I'm a half hour late on giving my dog his insulin! Until later!!!

Friday, July 27, 2012

Holy Freakin' Cow

I always knew that buying a house was going to take a lot of time. I guess I just didn't realize that a lot of time also entailed a lot of tears, a lot of yelling, and a near miss on a great house.

I'll go into details in another post but I wanted everyone to know that I'm still alive and I plan on getting back to blogging when I'm more comfortable with how much I've unpacked in my new house. I also plan to give everyone a tour of the place I get to call home for at least the next 10 years.

Until we "talk" again have a great week/weekend/night/day/ or whatever it may be where you are when you read this.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Ever Have One Of Those ... Months?

I always tell myself that next month is going to be better than the last. Then when the year is over I tell myself that this year is going to be better than the last. Somehow each month, or each year, manages to be worse than the last. This month (or should I say past couple months) just takes the cake. This has to be, bar none, the worst 30 days of my life.

(I will warn you, I'm about to go on a whining, bitching, completely out there rant about why the past 30 days has been so bad. If you're not into reading that feel free to click away right now. This post is probably going to be full of little side notes like this one.)

I am less than 2 days away from D-Day on my mortgage (getting one, not making a payment on one) and I'm not sure I even have one to speak of. The mortgage company I'm dealing has a motto. It's a motto I made up for them. "If you want something done, we'll do it tomorrow. Then when tomorrow comes it won't be done BUT we'll do it tomorrow." This is how the whole deal has been going. Every time I ask when something is going to be done the answer is tomorrow. It's never been "we'll have that for you today". When they need something from me they call me at the end of the business day when nothing can be done until, you guessed it, tomorrow.

Let me tell you what's happened with my mortgage company thus far.
 - They lost documents that I gave them when I first met them. They lost copies of my drivers licenses and copies of my bank statements.
 - They had my file through underwriting and then it got "deleted".
 - They've asked me to explain just about everything in my life. The only thing I'm waiting for them to ask of me is to give blood from my first born. To which, I will respond, I'm not having kids. To which they'll respond "then you're screwed".
 - They never contact me until 5pm telling me they need more crap thus pushing every date off until tomorrow.
 - I've been in underwriting for 5 days now. A process that should take 24-48 hrs according to every site I've ever seen.
 - Did I mention that my broker switched companies while working with my loan? He failed to mention this to me. Had he told me I would have demanded he leave my file with his original company and I probably wouldn't be in this mess.
 - There are charges on my contract that were not disclosed to me when I asked about them before the loan process started. I'm trying to fight these charges but we'll see where that goes.
 - They have 4 to 5 months worth of statements but a condition of underwriting was that I provide more than 2 months of statements. Uh ... I already have.
 - There was nearly a week where I couldn't get a hold of my broker. He refused to pick up his phone and he wouldn't answer my texts. Then when I finally got him on the phone it was infrequent because he attended more meetings a day than President Obama.
 - I refuse to speak to him anymore, as does my husband, and we're having our real estate agent speak to him now.
 - His processor decided that because our real estate agent didn't agree with her that she'd refuse to talk to him because he "yelled at her". My agent never yelled. He simply disagreed with her and now she won't speak to him. Thankfully we have 2 agents working in our corner and she'll speak to the other one.

(Let me fill you in on something. If you live in Utah and are looking for a mortgage broker do NOT use Phil Wilson from Security National Mortgage Company. In fact don't use SNMC at all. Their team is full of, what seems to me, incompetent ass holes without the common sense to look at what's in front of their faces.)

To top it all off my landlord is pressing me for an answer on whether I'm moving or not. It's not their fault and I don't blame them for anything but I feel like the stress is just piling up. I feel like it could cave in on me at any second. I don't have an answer because my broker hasn't given me a reason to be confident in the fact that I have a loan. I keep telling them I'll have an answer soon but that soon never comes. Soon becomes tomorrow and I feel like I'm starting to sound like my broker. Tomorrow becomes 'in a couple day'. It's a never ending cycle. I wouldn't blame them if they kicked me out and kept my deposit at this point. I'm stringing them along. It's the last thing I wanted to do but had I realized that I was going to be strung along I would never have started this process.

(Thankfully my landlords are freaking amazing and have promised me they won't even think about renting the place out until they have a firm answer from me. What gems they are. Also, I just tried to spell gems with a j. Just thought you should know how horrible things are right now.)

I've been getting physically ill over all this bull crap. My husband doesn't know it, but now you do, but I've been throwing up almost everyday in relation to all this stress. I've also started my period so that's not helping at all. It feels like everything is crumbling in on me.

Other little issues that I've had to deal with.
1. All the outlets in my living room went out today. Thank goodness my husband is handy and fixed it within minutes of it happening. 
2. The water system, ya know the one that waters all the plants and the lawns, still doesn't work. It's getting fixed next week. I'm not sure the plants in this yard can handle going without it for that long though. The grass in the backyard is already perishing.
3. My diabetic dog is refusing to eat at times. I can't give him his insulin if he doesn't eat but he won't eat for some reason. He's not sick, we've had him checked out, so I'm not sure what the issue is at this point.
4. That same dog keeps peeing on things. I can't blame him, the diabetes has caused him to lose control of his bladder. The bad part is it's causing my other dog to have to live without a bed at night.
5. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone, but the blogosphere, about anything because I just don't think anyone would get me. They'd say I'm stressed for no reason and I just need to calm down. Well, people I haven't talked to but am assuming the answers from, I can't calm down. This is the biggest decision of my life and it's falling down around me.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Over Confidence Does NOT Impress Me

I've currently come into a situation where I'm dealing with an extremely over confident person. I, unfortunately, do not see his perspective. No, this man is not my husband, but he is in charge of a lot of my money at the moment. It's my mortgage broker.

When we first started working with him it seemed that everything was going to run perfectly. He was easy to get on the phone, responded to calls and emails, and promised us that everything would work out perfectly. Today, five days before I have to have all information about financing to close (or pull out of) the deal on my new house, I'm wondering whether or not I'm GOING to have a new house. My mortgage broker has been evasive, it's nearly impossible to get a hold of him in any manner, and he seems far too confident in his abilities. He even equated himself to a pilot. Saying that he'd "navigated these waters plenty of time" and I had "no reason to worry that we were so close to our deadline" because he'd "done this many times with great success". It's not the fact that he said he was a pilot and talked about water that scared me it's the fact that, as I said, I'm so close to my deadline that I'm not sure if he's going to be able to pull this off.

Last Friday he explained to me that we'd be in underwriting this week. Yesterday he contacted me telling me there was information missing from my "package". Information that I knew I'd already given him. I had to take time out of my day to find this information and send it to him. Do you know what this means? This means I haven't gone into underwriting yet. This means that they're still not sure if my loan is going to make it through the bank. This means that, even though I have fantastic credit, 20% down, and money to pay off the loan right now, I'm jumping through hoops.

Well then why didn't I just buy outright? Why would I do that when I have the opportunity to continue to build my credit AND have money left over for a security net? I'd be foolish.

His overconfidence in what he does isn't something that makes me at ease. In fact in makes me more nervous. He's so sure of himself that he actually told me not to worry and that everything was going to work out. When I asked him if this is all the information he needed he proceeded to tell me "that's all they say they need but we'll keep in touch". SERIOUSLY? AND YOU DON'T WANT ME TO WORRY??

His over confidence is stemming on cocky and I don't like it one bit. Thankfully he knows that now.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

What's Up July?

So I thought I'd do sort of like a "what happened in June in Alicia's life" kind of post. I'm not sure what you want to call it but I call it ... well I don't know what I call it. You be the judge.

My husband and I bought a boat.
In a 5 part series, I told everyone Our Story.

On my other blog ...

Here's what Instagram thinks I did last month.

I had a wonderful dinner with my husband, on his birthday, at his favorite Thai restaurant.
I bought a Vitamix so I can at least pretend to eat healthier.
I started a baby blanket for my sister-in-law.
I went to Lake Powell ... a lot.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Thoughts On Being A Person

I friend of mine posted something on Facebook along the lines of "thoughts on being a woman" and I feel like some things were left out in the whole scheme of things. Here's the original.

(I cannot, not even in a Google search, find the original of this. I am so sorry and I will take this down if  necessary.)
Here are my thoughts. I guess they're not necessarily all about being a woman but here they are anyway.

- Just because you have a uterus doesn't mean it has to be full. (This stems from my annoyance at people for always pestering about having kids when I don't want them.)
- Just because they're blood relatives does NOT mean you have to love, or even talk to, them.
- Going to bed angry isn't as bad as it sounds. (I've gone to be angry more times than I can count and I'm still married to the man I want to be with forever.)
- LET IT GO. If it's not worth losing someone over, let it go. Take whatever time you need to get over it but then just let it go.
- Don't be afraid to burn bridges.
- Stop trying to fill "holes in your life" just because someone else sees them.
- Quit pretending.
- If people aren't OK with you the way you are they're not worth keeping in your life.
- Everyone poops, and farts, and burps, and spits, and the sooner you accept that the better of you'll be. Plus you won't be so backed up all the time.
- Love yourself no matter your size, your professional status, your marital status, in spite of all your issues, and because you are who you are.

I think Dr. Suess said it best.

Monday, June 25, 2012

My Paranoid Delusions

My husband and I are currently buying a house. Yes, it's exciting. Yes, it's overwhelming. What I'm having an issue with, though, is the paranoia that's accompanying every aspect of the purchase.

We're waiting on the appraisal at the moment and I'm worried, which I know I shouldn't be, that it won't come in at the dollar amount that we need it to. I'm worried that the seller won't be willing to re-negotiate and we'll lose out on the house THUS leaving me homeless because my landlord is currently trying to rent the house that I'm in.

After appraisal comes financing. I have great credit and I don't even need a human underwriter on my loan BUT what if they tell me my interest rate is going to be 1 million percent and that the 20% I'm putting down isn't enough and that I have to take on PMI and have an escrow account, which I neither want nor need, and, again, the deal fall through and I'm homeless because my landlord is trying to rent the place that I'm currently in.

What if everything goes through and upon inspection they find 20 mounds of termites living in the walls and there's no insulation in the attic space and there's caves underneath my house and I can't live there because the Indian burial grounds that could possibly be there dictate that I have to pray to a different ... OK, I'll stop now.

This is what my mind is doing right now. I know I'm delusional and I know I'm getting a great rate on my house and I know the appraisal is going to come in at the right price but my mind won't allow me to think of the positive in this situation. I can't even revel in the fact that I'm buying a great house because I'm constantly worried about the what ifs of the whole situation.

I need a xanax.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

I'm Crazy About Blog Design

I'm not a professional designer. If I'm being honest I'm not even a novice designer. I'm a sit-at-home-and-obsess-over-my-blog-design designer. I've changed my header more times that I can count. I've revamped and re-done that little "about me" thingy to the right of my blog at least 600 times in the past year and I never seem to be happy with what I've done. I just can't leave it alone.

Does anyone else have that kind of problem?

Friday, June 22, 2012

Our Story (Pt 5 of 5)

I’m pretty sure you’re sick of me by now, and if you’re not, there’s something wrong with you. I titled this one coming home because, in every sense of the word, I was home when I am with TJ. I'm a sap, I know.

A month after we moved to Reno TJ convinced me that it was high time I called my mother. I hadn’t talked to her since before I left with him to move to Reno.

When I finally got up the courage to call her we only talked for an hour or so. We talked about where I was living, who I was with, what he was like, and when I was coming back home. She didn’t understand that truly didn’t want to be at home anymore. Somehow she didn’t see the emotional and mental abuse that my step dad was putting me through. I finally explained to her that I wasn’t coming back home to stay but we weren’t against coming to visit. She wasn’t happy but didn’t oppose my plan for us to come see her in mid April.

When we finally went to visit my family TJ wanted to shock them out of their pants. He made it a point to dress in a wife beater and torn up shorts with a gun on one hip and a knife on the other. My parents claim it didn’t shock them but the second they saw him their blank stares told a completely different story. Mom pulled me aside and warned me that what I was doing wasn’t what I should be doing. I didn’t have the courage to explain to her that I couldn’t take living at home and just told her that I was a big girl and I could take care of myself.

We had plans to stay in Utah for a week or so but those plans were shattered when my little brother got hit by a car during our visit. We immediately went back to Reno, packed up the necessities, and returned to Utah to help my parents with my 3 other brothers while they were in the hospital with my little brother. Our week visit turned into a month stay. We had planned to find a house in UT while we were there but I couldn’t convince TJ that living in UT was better than living in Reno. I’m not sure if I really wanted to convince him though, I didn’t want to be there either. 

When my brother finally got out of the hospital we moved to Redding, where TJ was living when we met.  This is where to story starts getting boring. We lived in Redding for a year and a half, moved back to Utah after that, and have been living in the same general area since late 2004. In 2009 we finally got married and I've never regretted my decisions. I love this man with all my heart. He's the biggest pain in my butt and I think that's what makes me love him even more.

Well, that’s our story. I know, it’s long, it’s drawn out, and I probably could have just said we met online, met up in Vegas, moved in together, and have been together ever since. That wouldn’t be nearly as fun as the story I’ve just told you though right? Oh, you didn’t have fun? I did and that’s all that matters. ;-)

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Our Story (Pt 4 of 5)

Before I left Vegas TJ invited me to move to Reno with him. We’d known each other only a little more than a month and he wanted me to move in with him. I didn’t hesitate to accept. Are you starting to understand how bad it was at home? I told him I had to pack up a few things and I’d meet him back in Vegas in a week.  He had to go back to Reno to return his friend anyway. Oh yea, did I mention, while we were in Vegas I neglected to show up for my first day of work and lost my job? There was another good reason to move to Reno.

I went home and explained to my mom that the job hadn’t worked out and that I’d be on the job hunt for the next little while so she probably wouldn’t see me much. All the while I was secretly packing up my things and putting them in my car so that when I was ready to leave I’d only have to jump in my car and go. A couple days went by and TJ called telling me he was on his way back to Vegas and he’d be there in the morning. Two days to make the 14+ hour drive from Vegas to Reno, and back, seemed impossible. He did it though.

Throughout the night I packed up my car. My stereo, my computer, my clothes, and everything I felt necessary was shoved into my little Ford Escort. I finally fell asleep around one am and had my alarm set for 5 am. My mom wouldn’t be out of bed yet and my dad would already be at work.

When that alarm went off I was glad that I had dressed to leave before I went to bed. I splashed a little cold water on my face, put the note I wrote explaining where I was and what truly went on the past week on my pillow for my mom to find, and I left. TJ and I met up in Vegas at around 10 am and without hesitation we got out of town. 

Or did we stay the night? I can’t really remember. Either way we were back in Reno within a couple days.

That had to be the longest drive I’d ever taken alone. Have you ever drive through central Nevada from Vegas to Reno?  There are only 4 towns along the way and most of them don’t even have gas stations. By the time we got to Reno I was in full culture shock mode and so tired I didn’t even care. Look up Toquerville, UT on a map and then look up Reno, if you’re not familiar with it. We didn’t have a house so we holed up in the Best Value Lodge along Virginia St. We spent the next month there while looking for a house. Reno was like OZ and I didn’t have any red sparkly heels.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Our Story (Pt 3 of 5)

There he was, sitting in the driver’s seat, looking like someone from a street gang. Another thing TJ never mentioned to me, which I should note didn’t really bother me, is that he was a very large man. When we met he was 460 lbs. His arms were as big as my thighs, and that part of him was pure muscle.

I’m pretty sure I looked like a deer in the headlights while I was getting into the truck. His friend introduced himself, we’ll call him T, and we were off. After dropping T, and his son, off as T’s fathers house TJ and I had to find ourselves a hotel room. We stayed right across the street from the Stratosphere in the Holiday Motel.  Before we could get a room we had to put up $10 for a key deposit  TJ didn’t carry cash, he still doesn’t.  Fortunately just up the street was a Wells Fargo  On our way to the bank TJ swung into a strip club just up the road. Uh really, you’re taking me to a strip club and we haven’t even talked in person for more than 10 minutes yet  Oh no, it was much worse. TJ had to pee and can you guess how mortified I was when he whipped it out and peed in the parking lot? I laughed uncontrollably because I didn’t know what else to do.

Skipping ahead, we got the room and started bring our stuff into said room. No sooner had I thought things couldn’t be any stranger, what with the peeing in the parking lot, did TJ pull a shotgun case out of his truck to carry into the room. OK, now I was really freaking out.  I didn’t ask questions because I honestly wasn’t sure what it was for. You’d think I would have left by now, right? Nope, things were really bad at home and even this was better than going back.

After unloading our things we went and picked T back up and started the bar hopping. TJ took me out to dinner every night, bought me roses, and got me so drunk that I’m not sure I remember much about that week  The benefit to being drunk is you don’t hide anything. Neither of us did. I think I learned everything there was to learn about him in just a few short hours. 

Throughout the week T and I split nearly 9 gallons of Tequila. We were at the bar by 9 am and never stopped drinking until we finally passed out. We estimate that, while in Vegas, we spent nearly $10,000 and we didn’t touch a slot machine. That was all alcohol, food, and whatever I wanted. He spoiled me to death.  This brings me to another odd point. Where did all that money come from?  TJ was a tattoo artist but I know they didn’t make that much money. That’s when TJ had to explain his annuity to me. For the loss of his leg he got a set amount of money that’s paid to him, monthly, in small chunks until he turns 65.  He’d been saving for some time to come to Vegas. Meeting me there was just a perk.

When our week was over, and my body had to detox from all that alcohol, I was upset because I didn’t want our time to end. I’d just had the most fun I think I’ve ever had in my entire life. I met an amazing man, and started to fall in love with him, and now we had to part ways and I had to go back to a home that felt like a prison to me.  Or did I?

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Our Story (Pt 2 of 5)

Last time I told you where I met my husband. This time I get to talk about when we finally met face to face.

When I first introduced myself with the obligatory 21/F/UT the first question I got was “How many moms do you have?” If you’re not familiar with the reference let me explain. Many people still believe that just because someone lives in UT it means they’re a polygamist. Of course I had to dispel this rumor and break his little heart when I told him one. We talked a little while about being LDS because he was quite interested but I was glad when we finally moved on to more interesting topics, like the weather. Don't get me wrong it's interesting talking about the church with those who don't know but it can also be very overwhelming and turn people away. I didn't want that to happen.

We spent nearly 2 hours in that private chat room. We talked about everything and nothing at all.  Suddenly, he had to leave.  I was a little crushed but I enjoyed the time we’d spent together. What he did next shocked the hell out of me. He gave me his phone number. How many people, having just met in a chat room, do you give your phone number out to?  I myself hadn’t given it out to anyone that I’d met online.  He asked if I’d give him a call later that day so we could talk.  I told him I’d think about it while shaking my head in disbelief.  I spent all day thinking about calling him and when I finally got home I’d made up my mind. I picked up the phone and dialed his number. 

Without going into the mind numbingly boring details of talking on the phone every night for a month, I’ll move to when we finally met face to face. 

TJ lived in Redding.  Redding is in Northern California. He and his friend had plans to visit Las Vegas, in early March, so that his friend could see his dad. I, living only hours north of Las Vegas, thought it would be a good idea to meet him there so we could finally see each other. You see, TJ had seen numerous photos of me but he didn’t have a camera and I’d never seen photos of him. So we made the plan to meet in Vegas.  Before we finalized everything there was one thing he said he needed to share with me. Being the pessimist that I am, I thought the worst. He proceeded to tell me about his missing leg. If you read my post about TJ you’d know how, and when, he lost his leg. This was it? I guess he thought I would react differently and was surprised when I said “Alright, and?”

I was so extremely excited when the day finally came for him to come to Vegas. I had just lost my job due to our company filing bankruptcy and, even though I already had a new job, I needed a little break. I told my mom that I’d be staying at a friends while I worked my way into this new job. She bought it. I told TJ to call me when he was 2 hours out because that’s how long I thought it would take me to get there. Either the excitement or the nerves got me to Vegas in just over an hour. We had planned to meet at The Frontier hotel because that’s really the only place TJ knew. He’d been to Vegas with his parents once before and that’s where they stayed.

I waited in that back parking lot for, what seemed like, hours. I thought he was standing me up. I’d asked him to call and he hadn’t yet. My phone was dead and I didn’t bring the charger so I had to use the pay phone to call him. I finally got a hold of him and he told me he was almost there and all I needed to do was listen for him.  Listen for him?  He told me I’d hear him before I saw him. What in Heaven’s name was he talking about? Not 5 minutes later I heard the loudest most bass thumping noise I’d ever heard pulling into the parking lot. Around the corner came a bright green Ford F-150 with dark tinted windows and Air Force Ones by Nelly playing through the stereo. He pulled up to the rear entrance and his friend jumped out of the truck.  I thought this was him but he had both legs. When I finally looked past his friend I saw TJ for the first time he looked at me with a huge smile on his face, missing one of his front teeth, tattoos covering both arms, and said “Hey I’m TJ.  Get in.”

What had I gotten myself into?

This is where I’m going to end Pt 2. I apologize for breaking it up into so many pieces but I tend to be quite long winded and I didn’t want to force, not that I can, anyone to read through 10 pages of “Our Story.”

Monday, June 18, 2012

Our Story (Pt 1 of 5)

I'll start by saying this is going to be a drawn out post because I have this weird obsession with telling the back story. If you're willing to stick it out with me for 5 posts, great. If not, I really wish you would. So, onto part 1.

With most relationships starting online these days, I feel like somewhat of a pioneer with the story of how TJ and I met.

A little back story though.  I was in a relationship at the time I met my husband.  Well, I was in what I kinda told myself was a relationship.  I’d been hooking up with a guy that my uncle set me up with while I was kinda dating a guy in California. We'll call California guy J. 

I met J online and drove to California for New Years, 2003, to meet him.  We spent a week together and I really liked him as a person.  He was emotionally stable, supported my independence, and he had a great outlook on life.  One problem, he was horrible in bed. (This part makes me sound like a horribly vain person when it comes to sex. I was in my early 20's at the time and, have since, grown out of the phase in my life.)  So after our week together, our one-sexual-encounter-where-he-went-limp-mid-pump week, we had a little discussion about a possible relationship but figured we would see how things went when I got home.  Judging by the previous paragraph you can probably deduce that we didn’t last long.  Not even until mid January, if I’m being honest.

Back to the guy my uncle set me up with.  We’ll call him C.  C and I had a tumultuous relationship.  He’d just gotten a divorce and was looking for sex.  I, at the time, was looking for a serious relationship.  I’d been “seeing” C long before I met J.  C and I had a little falling out over the whole sex/relationship debate, before I met J, and we decided that seeing each other wasn’t the best idea.  After going to visit J for New Years I came back, got drunk with C, hooked up with C, broke up with J under the premise that a long distance relationship just wouldn’t work, then realized I didn’t need to be on C’s emotional rollercoaster (after he told me he loved me and I told him I would wait until he was ready for a real relationship) and told him to kick rocks.  

Are you still with me?  Good.

Before E-Harmony and match.com became extremely popular there was Yahoo!, or should I say there is Yahoo!.  When I first acquired internet access at home I found the online world of Yahoo! games and chat.  I would rush home from work, at night, just so I wouldn’t miss the chance to “meet up” with those people that always hung out in the game rooms.  Isn’t that the most pathetic thing you’ve ever heard?  I was at a point in my life that I wasn’t comfortable with myself and going out to a party or meeting up with real friend was like pulling teeth.

Once I got tired of the games, and the games people played in the game rooms, I moved onto the chat rooms.  I don’t so much know if I was there to find someone but I know that I wasn’t particularly looking, if that even makes sense. 

On Feb 12th, in chat room 12, at exactly 12 am (I know this because I always saved my chats on Yahoo!) up popped 25/M/CA.  I took the bait and invited him to a private chat.  Boy howdy am I glad I did.

I’ll end Pt 1 of our story here.  Pt 2, coming soon.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Lake Powell

This past week (Wednesday 6/13) my husband and I took our first trip to Lake Powell. I've lived 2 hours away my entire life and have never been. Of course, in my defense, I've never had a reason to go. When I was younger our family didn't travel much due to our lack of funds. Then, when I became an adult, I didn't have the funds either. Well, now, my husband and I not only have the funds we have a boat.

I was so excited to finally visit this amazing place. I'd heard so much about it's beauty and how vast it was. I didn't quite believe it, even after looking at the map, until we finally got out on the lake. We spent 6+ hours on the water and didn't see the same place twice. We didn't quite go all the places I wanted to go, like Rainbow Bridge, but we saw some amazing vistas. So onto the photos.

Cruising over to the Glen Canyon Dam
The Glen Canyon Dam
Our neighbor, and his kids, riding to the Dam next to us.
Can you find the face in the rocks?

Cruising around Antelope Island.
Lone Rock
Our neighbors daughter being a dork in the water.
Even though we only got to explore a small part of Lake Powell I had so much fun. Being out on the lake, in our own boat, was like living a dream. I cannot wait to go back.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Life Via Instagram

An blogger friend of mine has a link up called life via Instagram and, since I now have an iPhone, I thought I would participate. If you'd like to join in click on the image below and link up.

This past week has been crazy, not that you'd know it from these photos alone but here they go anyway.

Do you get the Val-Pak? It comes in the mail and is stuffed with coupons. It might be called something different where you live but, regardless, we got our a week ago. I've never been so scared by a dentists ad before. Yes, I understand how truly harmless it is but, do me a favor, laugh manically after you say this and THEN tell me it doesn't scare you.

We found this snake in our driveway. After figuring out that it wasn't poisonous we played with it a little before we released it in a field near our house.

Last Friday, before we bought our own boat, my husband and I went out on the lake with our neighbor and his kids. Despite the raging sunburn I got it was amazing.

Monday was TJ's birthday and we celebrated by buying a boat, which I don't have an original photo of yet, and going out to dinner at our favorite Thai restaurant.

Yesterday (Tuesday) my husband and I bought an appliance that we've always wanted. The Vitamix. I'm so excited about this purchase I can't even describe it.

I guess this isn't technically my life via Instagram as much as it is my past week via Instagram. 

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

My Amazing Week

What an amazing 7 days it's been.

Last week, May 28th, The Boy left for Boot Camp in San Diego. I can't tell you how excited I was to have this house back. I didn't have to worry about getting up in the middle of the night, and wandering out to the kitchen to get water, and putting clothes on. I don't have to lock the pantry, the fridge, or the deep freeze anymore. I don't have to deal with the public school system, unless I accept the job I was offered by my old drama teacher, anymore. I no longer have oodles of stress. It feels just amazing.

Yesterday, June 4th, was TJ's birthday. We celebrated by buying a boat. Yep, a boat. This boat to be exact.

This is a 22 foot Monterey Sport boat. The best thing about it is that it's completely paid off. We paid cash for this baby. We took it out for a test "drive" and fell completely in love with it. We've gotten it all registered, we currently hold the title to the boat but are waiting on the title for the trailer, and my husband is down at the insurance agent adding it onto our policy as I type this.

My brother, although sad as it may be that he's not able to afford to go away to school, is going to be able to watch our dogs more this summer. This means that we're going to be able to enjoy this boat as much as we want as often as we want. Of course we'll take him, and our dogs, out on in once in a while but not every time.

We're going to look at a house today. It seems quite promising. Over 3000 sq ft on over .5 acres for only $249K. I have to say, ever since the boy left, everything has been falling into place. I cannot wait to see this house and am praying that it's the one for us. Cross your fingers for us.

That's what my week has been like. How has yours been?

Thursday, May 24, 2012

My Stress Is Nearly Over

He leaves on Monday. That's really all I wanted to say. I decided to make an entire blog post centered on that first statement. He leaves on Monday. My stress level should go down IMMEDIATELY.

Of course I'll work on my stress reduction after I run around the house naked a couple times.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

I've Hit A Wall

Do you ever notice that bloggers who have kids have an endless supply of what to talk about? No I'm not going to have kids just so I can blog more but I feel like I need to add substance to my life. Here's what's standing in my way right now.

 - On May 22nd The Boy, and one of my brothers, graduates from High School.
 - On May 20th The Boy has Seminary graduation at the local church.
 - On May 21st The Boy has graduation practice.
 - On May 27th, or 28th, The Boy leaves for Boot Camp. (Hallelujah)
 - On June 4th my husband receives his first (well first to us) lump sum payment from his annuity. This is what is allowing us to buy a house right now.
 - On June 4th my husband turns 35.
 - We're currently hunting for a house throughout the state. We're not having much luck in the Southern portion but can't figure out how to get to the Northern portion without living there. It's hard trying to buy where you're not currently living when you don't have unlimited funds, or unlimited time, to visit said area.
 - I'm packing. Enough said.
 - We're moving all unnecessary items to a storage unit.
 - I'm stressed and for numerous reasons.
          - House hunting is harder, and more emotional, than I thought.
          - I'm not sure if we have enough boxes to put all our crap in. Trivial but it's still plaguing me.
          - We still have finish work to do in this house. It's not happening and I'm worried.
          - What if we don't find a house in time and have to pay another months rent? I don't want to do that but I also don't want to be homeless.
 - We've paid our rent through the end of July, or August, and, at this point, that's not seeming like enough time.
 - We attempted to contact a builder in Northern Utah and it didn't go very well. They told us they would email more information and they never did. I guess that's one to X off the list of possibilities.
 - People in this area want custom home prices for base model homes. I'm not paying that.
 - Did I mention I'm stressed?
 - My Min Pin still has diabetes and it's not getting any easier, especially with all that's going on, to manage it.
 - My other dog is getting old and starting to grow lumps (which are fatty lumps, we've had the checked out) all over her body. I don't want to lose her. Not when she's a main stress reducer in my life.
 - I'm losing a lot of sleep over "what-ifs" and it's really getting to me.
 - I'm sure this is too much information but Aunt Flow showed up yesterday and boy howdy did she come in with a bang. I guess that's a good thing though considering I don't want kids.

Can I just say it felt really good to put that all down. Although, I'm sure, if I go back through and look at all that crap I'm going to freak out.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

I Judge You

I come from a past full of money troubles. My parents both worked 40+ hour weeks just to keep food on the table and pay the "mortgage" on a 2 bedroom trailer to house myself and my four little brothers. We always struggled with finances. My parents had to file bankruptcy twice when I was a kid. We lost numerous cars to the banks and, at times, didn't know what we were going to be eating. I'm not saying we ever starved but we were never sure what was going to be on the table. Most of our food came from the Bishop's Storehouse which isn't necessarily a bad thing but I'll be honest and say I would have rather eaten spam, which we ate a lot of, at times rather than eat what we got from the storehouse. Bills were often paid by outside entities. When Christmas rolled around none of us expected anything to be under the tree. There always seemed to be something there but we're weren't anticipating anything. Living as I do now, not needing a job and enjoying the finer things in life, I always wonder how we managed to get by.

This is where the judging comes in.

I hear of people struggling with finances, who go shopping nearly everyday for frivolous things, and wonder why the heck they're spending their money, on t-shirts and makeup, when they should be saving for the rainy day they know is around the corner. Do they really need to make that vanity purchase when they live with their parents, don't have a car, and are constantly complaining about not having money, their own place, or a car?

This isn't just something I do with people I don't know. It happens, most often, with my own family members. I have family that attends every event possible in town and then wonders why they can't afford some of their bills. They give their kids allowances and buy them useless junk and then stress about paying the water, or electric, bill.

Why is it that I worry what OTHER people are doing with their money? It's none of my business. The worst part is that it becomes more than worry at times. I complain about it to other people acting like I have something to do with it and they should listen to me because apparently I think I know everything when it comes to money management. I don't. I never have. Why does this plague my thoughts?

I realize this is probably the stupidest, snootiest post, you've ever read but this is something I'm trying to get over and I'm just not sure how to do it. Am I the only one that does this? Am I the only one complaining about what OTHER people do with THEIR money? 

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I Have The Strangest Dreams

It's been getting a little warmer at night which means we can leave windows open.  I always get excited, and a little scared, at this prospect.  Scared because that means the heat is coming.  Excited because that means I get more fresh air.

The other night, Sunday I think it was, we left our small bathroom window open to let in the fresh air while we slept.  Four hours later I woke in a panic to shut the window.  Why?  Well let me give you a peek into my mind as a dreamer.

I was standing at said bathroom window, naked, staring at a man that was stunningly beautiful.  I had no idea who this man was but I got the sense that he was stalking me.  He looked in the window, obviously seeing me, and smiled.  His teeth were sparkly white.  I'm sure they would have given off that star of brightness, the one that always **pings** in the movies, had the sun been shining in my dream.  (I've been reading the Twilight series for the past month.  This might have played a little part in the whole teeth thing.) First, I was a little terrified that he was standing there, outside my window, staring at me.  Then I was a little embarrassed.  After all, I was buck naked.  He didn't seem to notice.  I turned from the window to go lay back down but instead decided to go upstairs.  

There's a balcony upstairs.  Still in my birthday suit, I walked out onto it and looked over the railing.  There he was, standing in front of the garage door, smiling up at me.  What a strange man this was.  I couldn't take my eyes off him though.  I still had the eerie feeling like he was stalking me.  Then, oddly enough, I started to wonder why he wasn't bringing me roses.  Isn't that what a stalker normally does?  Bring the stalkee gifts? (I realize stalkee isn't a word but bear with me here)

I went back downstairs to get into bed but there he was, staring at me, through the bathroom window.  By this time I was absolutely sure he was my stalker.  What he did next was confirmation.  He started bringing me gifts.  My head cocked to the side and all I could do was stare.  He was bringing me guitars, and office equipment, to show me that he wanted me.  Uh ... what?  

There were HUNDREDS of guitars lined up against my fence.  Then the office chairs started rolling in.  All I could do was watch him pile the strange gifts up against my fence.  I didn't know what to think anymore.  Then, in one fluid motion, he was at the window.  His face pressed up against the screen.  A giant, terrifying, smile plastered on his face.  It was in that instant that I ... woke up.

I had to wipe sweat off my forehead even though I was freezing cold.  The wind was whipping through the window and the temperature in the room had dropped 15 to 20 degrees since I'd fallen asleep.  I looked at the window, not wanting to go near it, fearing that there was really someone out there.  Just as that thought entered my mind, my husband woke up.  He popped up out of bed and headed for the bathroom.  I was glad to have him by my side as I stared out the window.  No guitars, no office chairs, just a fence and an open side yard.  I couldn't close the window fast enough.

I'm going to have to file this as one of the weirdest dreams I've ever had.  Right before my falling-down-the-drain dream and directly after my I'm-in-elementary-and-my-school-is-being-"hijacked"-and-if-I-don't-hide-they're-going-to-kill-me dream.

Yep, that's how I dream!!

What's the strangest dream you've ever had?

Saturday, March 24, 2012

What A Rough Week

There are so many things I haven't posted on my blog this week.  I've been meaning to update my 30 days of lists post, but I haven't.  I have them all ready, they're actually done, but I haven't had the energy to put them up.  I was supposed to be participating in Blog Positivity Week with Ashley @ After Nine To Five but I got one (or two) posts in and I stopped.  I've been having one rough week.

Monday night, or should I say Tuesday morning, I didn't get to sleep until somewhere around 3am.  I don't know why.  I was tired.  I got into bed at 10:30pm like I normally do.  I read for just over an hour and then squished my ear buds into my ears.  I turned on the relaxing music and WHAMMO I was awake.  I sleep with my iPod on every night.  It's never been a problem before.  I thought maybe now it was the issue.  I pulled the headphones out after 30 minutes of no sleep and tried again.  An hour later and I was still awake.  OK so that wasn't the problem.  I got up and snuck into my husband's office to waste time on the computer.  That always makes me tired.  Forty minutes later I still wasn't tired.  I did something drastic.  I walked outside, in only a robe, and sat on the front patio.  I just sat there for thirty minutes or so.  My eyes roaming around the sky trying to find some sort of peace in the stars, or some lame crap like that.  NOTHING.  By now it was just after 2am and I didn't know what else to do.  I went back to bed and tried again.  Somewhere between 2:30 and 3am I my body finally gave in and I fell asleep.

As you may have guessed, Tuesday was a rough day.

Tuesday night rolls around.  Same routine.  This time I was able to get to sleep before 2am though.  

Wednesday sucked.  

I finally thought that maybe it was our mattress.  It's only a couple months old but maybe we needed to flip it.  So we did.

I finally slept a little better Thursday night but I woke up with horrible back pain.  Flipping the mattress might not have been the best idea.

Friday was a busy (so busy might not have been the best word but I was so tired that doing the minimal amount that I did made it feel busy) day.  TJ and I had to go pick up The Boy's cap and gown from the school and then we were going out on our neighbors boat.  I was looking forward to relaxing.  It was relaxing, it really was.  It was so relaxing that I actually felt the need to lay down at around 10pm.  I felt like I could use the extra sleep what with me missing so much of it earlier in the week.  I went to bed, read for 30 minutes, rolled onto my side, shoved my ear buds into my ears, and .....  here I am, 12:02am on Saturday morning, still awake.  I feel slightly drowsy but no where near as tired as I felt just mere hours ago.  


I haven't had this much trouble sleeping since I was in college, working 2 full time jobs, maintaining a social life, and trying to keep everyone in my life unaware of the fact that I was bulimic and cutting myself.  I'm not going back to taking Ambien.  I took that route once and the next day wasn't worth the peaceful sleep I got. We ran out of Melatonin a couple months ago but I haven't needed it until now.  I might have to pick some up.

This post is quite sporadic.  I'm sorry.  Also, if you read this Ashley, I want to apologize for not finishing blog positivity week.  To my fellow 30-Listers, I'm sorry I haven't posted a list here in a while.  To everyone else, I'M TIRED.  Will someone please come club me over the head so I can finally get some sleep!?!  Please??

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Blog Positivity Week (Catching Up)

I'm a huge fan of Ashley of After Nine To Five.  She comes up with some of the most amazing weekly blog ideas.  That whole secret week thing I participated in?  Yea, that was her idea.  It might seem a little daunting to some of you, and it was for me at first, but it was fantastic.  This week she's come up with another great idea.  Blog positivity week.

In her words, blog positivity week is "One week dedicated to reminding us all that the blogging community is an awesome thing to be able to be a part of."  What a fantastic idea.

Blog positivity week started yesterday and I didn't notice the link up until last night.  So, as of now, I've missed 2 posts.  This is my make up post for yesterday and today.

Credit to Ashley of After Nine To Five

Why are you here?

That's an interesting question.  OK, so this is in relation to why you blog and not the meaning of life but still, it's an interesting question.

I started blogging in 2004 when my Grandpa had a stroke.  My husband, as supportive and loving as he was (and is), just couldn't seem to help enough.  I had to get my thoughts out.  The only way I used to be able to do that was to write poetry.  I wrote a little poem for my grandpa (it wasn't anything spectacular) and wanted to find a place to host it online so that I would always have record of it.  I'm really bad at keeping track of things, especially paper.  I stumbled upon liveJournal, even though I was searching for a poetry site, and it really intrigued me.  I can't tell you the name of my first blog because I honestly don't remember but this is what that blog has evolved into today.  A place for me to share thoughts, link up with other fantastic bloggers, and to talk about the things I love.

Why do I have two blogs?

Easy, well, kinda.  Ever since I stumbled onto the blogosphere, and the million different blogs there are out there, I've realized that you don't just have to blog about your personal life.  Holy cow, that's cool.  Sharing my opinions about my life, and my husband's life, have always been fun.  I, however, thought I could contribute in a bigger way.  This is where This Girl Does It All came in.  

Last year (2011) I took a couple months off from blogging.  It had been a stressful year and I needed a break from worrying about posting.  I also got to the point that I wasn't sure I wanted to blog anymore.  After taking some time I realized that, and this is going to sound stupid, that I couldn't live without blogging.  Yea, I know, I'm a sap.  I enjoy putting words down in any format and wanted to keep it up.  I also, however, wanted to share my thoughts in a different way. 

I'm quite addicted to reading but thought that since I read far slower than most it would take me a while to put a review up.  I brushed off the insecurities and figured I'd go for it anyway.  Then I wondered what it would be like to be a beauty blogger.  Well, I don't apply makeup on camera so who would want to read my thoughts on a product.  Again, I brushed it off and thought I'd go for it anyway.  Then I got to thinking about what else I could share my thoughts on.  I'm a crafter (scrapbooking, card making, crochet) who loves to share what I've done.  

To make a long story short, even though it's already long, I wanted to share with everyone my thoughts on a lot of things.  It took me a while to come up with the title of my blog but I feel it's quite fitting.  So, if you'd like to check out my other blog you can click the photo below or the link a couple paragraphs back.  I'm not asking you to follow me but if you'd like to, check it out.

The people I've met
You'd never know it, since I did drama in high school, but if you were to meet me in real life, and I wasn't you're old high school friend, I'd be the one with my arms folded over my chest, avoiding eye contact, with nothing much to say but a quick response to what you might be saying.  This has nothing to do with you I just have a hard time opening up to new people.  That's me in real life.  I'm not saying I won't talk to you but I'm, more than likely, not going to have much to say.  Through some miracle of the blog world, and the vlog world, I open up.  I'm more apt to say the things that I'm afraid to say in person.  I talk about things that I'd never dare to speak of to you face to face.  I'm craaaaaazy!

So to every person that's ever commented on any of my posts, thank you for helping me open up.  To any of you lurking without a single comment, thank you for taking the time to see what I have to say.  Too all of you amazing bloggers that I follow, writing the blogs that I can't wait to read every day, thank for giving me that boost I've always need to keep talking about things that I fail to talk about in my personal life, with real people.

I can't explain much, past that, how amazed I am with the friends I've made in my computer.  (Until I meet every single one of you, you all live in my computer.) Thank you to each and every one of you for inspiring me to keep doing what I'm doing.

So, that's day one and two of blog positivity week.  If you'd like to participate please click on the first photo in this post and talk with Ashley.  She's one of those fantastic people that I've been rambling on and on about.  No really, she is.  OK, this post is really long but ....


Friday, March 16, 2012

I'm A Pessimist

Header credit goes to Ashley @ After Nine To Five 
This may not seem as big as the other secrets I've shared but it's still something not a lot of people know about me.  I don't get my hopes up when it comes to, well, anything.

 - I don't expect anything from people because I've bet let down far too many times in my life.
 - My glass is always half empty.
 - If I'm going into something blind I ALWAYS see the worst outcome so that if something better happens I'm not let down.
 - When someone disappoints me it's not like I didn't already see it coming.
 - I'm always apologizing to people because I feel like I've let them down.  I don't know how many times people have said that they don't know what I'm apologizing for.
 - There are times when I don't expect much out of myself either.  It's a horrible trait to have but I have it.

There isn't much to go into when it comes to being a pessimist.  I've always hoped that maybe one day I'd be able to see my glass as half full but then someone might tip it over and then it would be completely empty.

(I think I'm going to end my Secret Week here.  I do have other secrets but, even though it may not seem so, they're darker than the secrets I've already shared.  I'm not yet willing to open up about everything but it's felt incredibly good to open up about these things.)

Thursday, March 15, 2012

I Don't Love You

Header credit goes to Ashley @ After Nine To Five

This is a hard thing to say but ... I ... don't love my mother.  OK, I love my mother but only because she gave birth to me.  I wrote a letter to her, a letter that I never sent to her, that I'd like to share.  It's a long letter, full of errors, but I feel it describes my exact feelings.  So if you'd like to read it please feel free.  If not, well, that's the short story.  Onto the drawn out version.

Dear Mom,

Let me start by saying that I love you with all my heart but, sometimes, I think it’s only because I’m required to love you because you are the woman that gave me life. I don’t know how to explain the near hatred I have for you and your life but I’ll try and hand it to you lightly.

I’ll start with the GIANT pink Elephant in the room. He cheated on you, 4 times. Yea, I’m talking about Tom. (I refuse to call him dad anymore; I’m reduced to referring to him as my step-dad, not only because he’s not my biological father but because of what he’s done) Why are you still with him? Why have you remarried him 4 times? I don’t think you can call anything love after he’s slept with more woman than Clinton. He’s rubbed his infidelity in your face and you’ve accepted it. In turn, you’ve changed my little brothers, at least 3 out of the 4, from men who could have possibly cared about women to men who cheat, lie, and have children with women that they never plan to have a long term relationship with because they’ve come to believe that every woman is like you. They think every woman will just turn a blind eye and never speak of it again. Every time something tragic happens it becomes all about him and he finds a woman that will comfort him because, for some reason, I don’t think he thinks you can do that. I’m surprised, after Grams passed away, he didn’t find someone else. To be honest, I’m just waiting for it. When it does happen again, like I know it will, I’m going to tell you exactly what I told you on the phone when I declined the invitation to your 4th wedding to this man, “I told you so!”

How about your insecurities with telling me who my real father is? Don’t you think he, and I, have a right to know about each other since you didn’t tell him before I was born? I know, a few years ago, you were planning a trip to Iowa to tell him about me but you chickened out. Then, you looked me in the eyes, when I asked about him, and told me you weren’t really sure what his name was. You’re a liar. I want to know if I got my strength of character from him, because I sure didn’t get it from you. What if I have more siblings, even though they’d technically be half siblings, just like the boys? Why are you afraid that I’m going to hurt Tom’s feelings? Don’t you think he got the hint when I changed my last name back to your maiden name and refused to be referred to as a Halladay anymore? Don’t you think me refusing to come to your last wedding ceremony gave him a clue that I don’t really care for him anymore?

Don’t tell me you don’t get it either. You have to realize how weak you are and how lazy you are. Yea, I said it. It took years for me to get over what Tom always said about you, and all of us kids, behind our backs, or so he thought. I finally realized that he’s right. You work 3 days a week, and at times, have 9 days off and yet you still have the dirtiest house I’ve ever seen. You spend your weekends planting flowers that you don’t even take care of instead of vacuuming the floor like you should. I’m not saying you have to be Hannah Homemaker but damn it, clean up once in a while. Right this second, there are ants crawling all over your kitchen counters because none of your children will clean up after themselves. They still expect you to do it, and you don’t. They’re all over the age of 17, TEACH THEM SOMETHING ABOUT CLEANLINESS DAMN YOU!!! Please, do me one more favor, before you put the dishes in the “dishwasher” (should be called dish sanitizer) run a soap soaked sponge over them. You know that night you made sloppy joes? Yea, they were still in the pan the next morning. It’s just sickening that you can’t even clean a dish. Oh, and leaving your meat on the counter overnight to thaw is NOT healthy. When you go to cook chicken and it’s nearly brown, doesn’t that send a signal to your brain that you probably shouldn’t make your children put that in their mouths? Tell me something, why haven’t you thrown that salt away that expired in 1998? Yea, shit expires. Just because you ignore the expiration date doesn’t mean that it magically goes away. Freezing things until past expiration doesn’t mean that they are still good, it only means that you’re too cheap (and spend your money on frivolous, idiotic ventures) to pick up fresh food.

Oh, and stop complaining about not having money to pay your bills. Giving your children an allowance for doing nothing is doing them no good. They’re not learning to earn for themselves. Plus, if you didn’t go to every Rodeo and stupid little town festival within a 70 mile radius, you might realize that paying bills comes quite easily. If you hadn’t just purchased 100 flower bulbs to put in the yard, you might have had enough money to pay the electric bill last month and you wouldn’t have 2 months stacked into one bill. I wish they would shut your power off, and then you might realize that you can’t manage money to save your life. Just because there was a quilt show doesn’t mean you have to attend. You didn’t buy anything AND you took the long way home, wasting more gas than necessary. Seriously, I mean, seriously. Why haven’t you gotten it?

If I have to hear you pander to Ali one more time, I’m going to scream. Yes, she stubbed her toe, but that doesn’t mean you have to pick her up and give her whatever she wants. Three year olds are NOT supposed to be drinking Mountain Dew. Calling in “Magic Medicine” and telling her it’s going to fix her owies is only going to make her an alcoholic. Do you know why she whines so much? I’d whine too if every time I did, I got exactly what I wanted. I wish you would take the hints, but you just brush it off and tell me “That’s what a Grandma is supposed to do, give her everything she wants.” No, when the son that is supposed to be taking care of her is in the next room playing video games, a Grandma is supposed to get her son off his lazy ass and tell him to take care of his daughter.

Stop being an enabler. I understand that what happened to Preston was traumatic but keeping him on 3 different narcotics, 3 times daily, plus the 6 to 7 other pills he takes alongside those, is only going to kill him faster. You wonder why he walks out of his room looking like he’s just been to the bar and racked up a bigger tab than Lindsay Lohan. Well, let’s see, every 3 days he puts on a pain patch, then takes 2 more pain pills plus 3 to 4 other pills on top of that. I think his liver/kidneys/entire body is screaming for help. Stephen does NOT have ADD, he’s got a lack of discipline. He won’t focus because you don’t make him. He’s in the 11th grade and doesn’t know how to write one quarter into a fraction. He can’t even spell the word Spanish. Sit him down, tell him to do his damn work, and don’t let him hang out with Bundy until it’s done. Neither of these children can be away from you for more than 8 hours without crying. Not figuratively crying, literally bawling their eyes out because they don’t have mommy. Is that what you want? Did you intend to have children so dependent on you that they can’t even function properly? Well, you’ve succeeded.

Where did it all go wrong? What happened between me and Andrew? I never got what I wanted. You never gave me an allowance like you give Stephen. I’m absolutely against drugs unless I’m in so much pain that I can’t see straight, for example, the last time I had a Kidney stone and you used to be too but it appears that’s all changed. Kids are supposed to grow up and move out and become less dependent on their parents but somehow, I think that would crush you and make you think of yourself as less of a person. None of this will ever get to you because you don’t want to hear it and no amount of talking to you is going to make you understand, I know, I’ve tried. So, I’m going to write this letter to you, a letter that you’re never going to see. However, it’s been quite liberating to get this out in the open.

I’m going to end this letter by telling you that I’m glad I didn’t turn out like you. You’re not my hero and I don’t look up to you. I don’t want to be anything like you and thank the Lord in Heaven that TJ came along or I might be stuck becoming you. He showed me the real world and what real people need to do to maintain a healthy mental state. I’m a better person because of him and I don’t know what I would do without him.

With my sincerest regret and hopes for your other children’s future,

Your Daughter